Wow, hey.

Hey, me again.

I'm continuing this mindless banter and, I've found, I have a lot to write about today.

This thing happens to me now, since my episode, where I feel so overwhelmed with terror. I get paralyzed because of it.

I get scared of driving.

I get scared of going to work.

I get scared to be around anyone at all.

I spend most of the time in my head. I guess that's what happens when you are lonely beyond compare. Because of my erratic behavior while I was sick, I don't have many friends left. The ones that I do have don't understand or don't want to talk about it. Such an explosive episode of psychosis is very taboo. It summons fear. It summons.. thinking of me as someone that they never want to be around. It makes people incredibly difficult to talk about this.

Sometimes, even though he's done nothing wrong, I push my husband away.

I put him through hell when I was sick. He had to take me to work with him because I was so terrified that something was going to happen to me while I was alone at home. I was so deathly afraid of these men from my past that I was convinced that they were ganging up to hurt me. My husband even took emergency time from work to take us to Acadia National Park in Maine to try and get me to snap out of it.

By then, I was in too deep. I thought that I was being stalked across the country. It was a horrible way to feel. I was in terror without rest for a few weeks. It was difficult for my husband to see me so sick. I was convinced that he was going to wise up to my craziness and leave, but he didn't.

He supported me and tried to keep me safe without faltering. Not even a little bit.

That's how I knew with absolute certainty that he loves me unconditionally.

He has been the light of my life since I have known him. I have never known someone with such a true heart of gold before. He is funny and sweet and so smart. He always makes me feel safe and protected. It's like I had been underwater my whole life and he was coming up for air. I am the luckiest woman in the world, I'm sure of it. He's the sexiest man that I've ever seen, also. He's just... the whole package, man.

He's incredible.

God, I love him so much.

What I'm saying is that, even though all of that is true, I still get afraid that he will leave me. I am still deeply ashamed of my episode. The aftermath of it alone was traumatic.

Since then, it's been an agonizingly slow recovery. I have discussed the science of psychosis in previous posts, but it's a hell of a thing to recover from.

Today is one of the hard days.

Today, I don't want to be perceived.

Today, I don't want to get out of bed.

Today, I am paralyzed.

I feel like I shouldn't be in society. I've been overwhelming myself with work in a desperate effort to distract myself. I was burning myself out, so this week is the first one in months that I haven't picked up extra.

Two extra days off to live in my head, which has been a terrible place to be these days. Small tasks feel impossible. I don't enjoy anything.

I can't stop seeing myself as defective. Most days, I feel like not waking up wouldn't be such a disservice. Maybe it would even be the humane thing to do. Everyone else seems to think so. Why shouldn't I think like that, too?

My episode made me relive a lot of repressed trauma. It felt like experiencing all of the sexual abuse that I've ever had all over again. I cannot do it adequate service, how terrifying it was.

I'm still coping with that, too. I have experienced very visceral rejection and sexual abuse.

I feel disgusting most of the time.

Like my body is all that I will ever be.

I am not a person.

I don't want to be perceived.

I just want to fade into nothing.

Every movement feels so heavy.