Victim Blaming

Hey dudes, what’s up?

Today, I want to talk about victim blaming.

As you know, I have written extensively about my episode of psychosis.

Recently, I have also written about the podcast episode where my crisis was unfairly, and inaccurately, broadcast to thousands of people. I have tried to get the episode taken down, but it appears that my trauma isn’t enough to warrant that. What can you do? At least it’s a couple of years old.

Still hurts, but there’s that.

Well, unfortunately, I have some more details. For the sake of anonymity, I will not be naming any names.

During my episode, I was obviously very dissolusioned. I thought that my abuser was going to hurt me and I made it known to someone. I claimed that he was holding his brother hostage, which was ridiculous. It is important to note that I was sick and how I acted was genuinely not my fault. I was having an incredibly exaggerated response to repressed trauma. I was going through the most painful psychiatric crisis that the human brain is capable of experiencing.

Well, this person thought that it was appropriate to tell my abuser about what I had said.

This was the only person that I told.

How do I know that they said this to him?

Well, I’m glad that you asked!

He specifically mentioned it in the podcast episode. It stands to reason that the person that I told this to originally had told him.

Also, when I was struggling, my abuser reached out to this person to reach out to me.

I was told that they are not “buddy buddy”, but that really doesn’t make sense to me. The mentioned events directly contradict that.

You don’t have to be “buddy buddy” to be an apologist. Staying silent when you financially benefit from the situation is harmful (more on that later).

Well, I called them out on it recently. It seems that their abuse is the only abuse that matters. What he did to me specifically doesn’t seem to matter.

I guess that that means that I’m the problem.

To their credit, I did mention their situation on this blog. I have since redacted it. Their situation is their own and I should not have mentioned it. I thought that it was important to mention that what they had experienced played an important role in my episode. I did not name any names.

That was unfair of me, I will admit. If they are reading this, I am sincerely sorry about that. I did not think that my blog would actually reach people that I know. In retrospect, I realize that that is incredibly unfair of me. Stupid, even. I am sorry to them.

I am also sorry to the victims of this man. I am sorry that I did not realize my abuse sooner. I could’ve spoken up. Maybe I could’ve even prevented their abuse.

I will regret that forever.

Well, there is a certain music group that represents my abuser. They have chosen to stay silent on his behavior.

I suggested that they donate their monthly streaming funds to an organization that advocates for sexual assault victims. I didn’t ask for an apology. I didn’t even ask them to do this publicly. I told them that I would make it public if they chose not to do this.

I have since decided not to, but I reserve my right to change my mind. I have only realized my abuse recently and it is still very fresh for me. I am volatile, but I am trying not to be.

I was blocked when I brought this up. So, it would seem, they have a vested financial interest in keeping his behavior a secret. This group garners tens of thousands of streaming listens every month. I thought that they would be happy to give back to the community.

Evidently, that isn’t true.

I told some friends about it. They are appropriately outraged. I was told that they may or may not have reached out to the group.

Just last night, one of the members of this group reached out to me. He told me not to reach out to them or the group or he would enact a cyber restraining order.

That’s really interesting because they seemed content to block me when I brought my abuse to their attention. They only seem upset about it now. They didn’t care when nobody knew about it. I haven’t reached out to them since I asked them to donate, but I do know quite a few people that are pissed about the situation. Maybe they blame me for that? I’m not sure. I don’t have a way to contact them anyway. The only way was on Facebook and, after I asked them to donate, they blocked me there too.

Apparently, now, I am “dragging it out”. Apparently, now, it is using information for “my narrative”.

They even told me that they were happy to have helped me, but all I’ve done is “take and take”.

I’m not sure what they mean about helping me. I’m not even sure what they mean about taking. I was blocked when I was simply asking them to help the community that they’ve hurt by being silent. None of them reached out to me after my episode. They made absolutely no effort to help me in any way. That’s interesting because they didn’t seem to mind reporting the details of my episode to my abuser. They didn’t seem to mind it when my episode was mocked. Who knows? Maybe my abuser isn’t the only one that derived enjoyment/amusement from my episode. One could venture that that perspective was not unique to my abuser. Who’s to say, really?

They sure as shit won’t comment on it. I can certainly tell you that.

I can tell you that my website has received an awful lot of traffic since I’ve gotten this threat.

Maybe it pisses them off that they can’t control the “narrative” anymore.

I don’t feel guilty about raising my voice a bit.

It’s just a sad situation all around. The victim is only ever a problem when they speak out. It’s sickening, really.

I hope that they learn to be better people, I sincerely do. I hope that they learn to not value their ego over basic human decency, but I doubt that they will.

Anyways, I am feeling very disheartened today.

It feels like what I went through doesn’t matter.

It feels like, somehow, how other people perceive my abuse matters more than the abuse itself.

I’ve been here before, but it’s still shocking.

It’s so interesting how speaking up is only a problem when it makes other people uncomfortable. People, especially victims and their loved ones, are allowed to feel however they do in response to violation and trauma.

I, for one, will take as long as I damn well need to heal from this.

I only spoke up a little bit and this is how they are treating/threatening me.

Side note:

Have you ever been pregnant? Have you ever gone through an abortion by yourself? Have you ever bled so much that you had to go to the ER? Have you ever had your cervix bitten by a tenaculum (double-toothed, mind you)? Have you ever had the “products of conception” manually suctioned from your uterus? Have you been asked: “genetic testing, burial plot, or pathology?” Have you ever had clinical after? Have you ever spent years paying off a hospital bill because you had no insurance?

I have.

I’ll give you one guess as to what the etiology of that pregnancy was. Could it have been the result of inebriated sexual abuse?

One could certainly arrive at that conclusion.

I will not confirm or deny such a thing.

Not that it matters, society seems pretty hell bent on protecting violent men.

Recently, I treated a patient for a gunshot wound. She was on her way to report her abuser to law enforcement and he shot her twice in the chest.

I just… I can see why people don’t speak out.

It’s dangerous to.

Stay safe out there. Catch you later, hopefully.