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Hey there, hope you're well.

I really need to stop proclaiming that I will update this every week. Going forward, I think that I'll just update this when I feel that I have something to say.

Right now, I think that I do have a lot to say.

I am typing this on my new computer and keyboard. It all feels very official. I have a problem with treating myself to nice things [insert survival instinct here]. I've been trying to be better about that. I deserve nice things and experiences. It doesn't make me selfish or stupid to give myself that.

Anyways, on with the post!

First of all, Record Store Day was a smashing fucking success! I got all of the vinyl that I wanted (Mayday Parade, Wicked, Ethel Cain for my bestie, John Coltrane, and Taylor Swift) PLUS some other ticket items that I absolutely could not resist. I got the Paramore pressing, which has their first EP pressed on vinyl for the very first time. I got Kpop Demon Hunters and Shea was with me so we grabbed an extra for a dear friend of ours. I got the Charlie XCX 7 inch vinyl of Party 4 U, which is really the only song that I like from her.

Lord, it was expensive, but so worth it. I've been spinning all of these so much lately and they sound so fucking divine.

So, that's a good thing that has happened!

Also, before this, I hadn't really listened to Ethel Cain's work. Well, when I surprised my best friend with this limited-edition copy, they sat me down to listen to one of her albums. It has the craziest lore that I have ever heard in modern-day music. It follows the tragic life of a young girl in the deep south. Plus, the music itself is downright ethereal. I had been missing out for sure. I strongly encourage you to listen to her album "Preacher's Daughter" and read about the lore of each song as you go. It is an immersive, visceral, and heartbreakingly honest listening experience.

It really is as if you've lived this character's life. I also learned that it's entirely self-produced, which is so impressive. It is an exercise in complete immersion in a way that (I feel) isn't done in modern-day music.

Seriously, check her the fuck out.

Work has actually been really great lately. That nurse that yelled at and berated me in front of my colleagues for something that I didn't even do had been reported several times for workplace violence. It was nuts. Whenever I tried to defend myself, she immediately put me down. I knew that it would only escalate so I just backed down and walked away from the situation. I finally had the courage to report her and it was actually handled very seriously. I was assured that this behavior won't happen again and to let my managers know if anything like that happens in the future. I feel valued and advocated for. It's nice.

I've been at a level 1 trauma center lately and it has been so cool. They get really complex cases. Even the seemingly simple cases have patients with complicated issues. I have learned so much. I always do when I'm there.

They always have me on standby for trauma because they trust my capability as a nurse.

There was an open-heart trauma the other day and that's usually separate from the general OR. Well, we had some time before the call team got there so we all sprung into action. We got that shit set up for them so fast. They were so grateful for us!

I even stayed in the room to observe the case. I had seen heart cases a time or two when the heart is on bypass, but it was absolutely bananas to see a surgeon operating on a heart that is actively beating in the body.

Nutty stuff.

I feel very appreciated whenever I go to that hospital. I've been struggling with self-esteem issues lately, but I've received like a dozen compliments for my work and efficiency. It's a good reminder that I am good at my job and very valuable to the team. I also get to teach a lot at this hospital and I do very much enjoy that. I truly do love surgery and it's motivated me to learn as much as I possibly can.

So, work has been cool lately. I feel appreciated and advocated for.

Now, I know that I have a habit of spilling my guts in a very negative way on this blog, but my life really is great. I got married to my best friend on the shore of Brainard Lake in Colorado. Our dog was our witness and you can find his paw print on our marriage certificate. Our family and friends put together a lovely reception for us. It brought me to tears, it was such a kind and beautiful thing for them to do for us. My husband and I felt so very loved. I am a published author and am incredibly proud of my work. I showcased my book on the national stage at the largest literary marketplace for books in North America. I have a house with a giant yard for my guy (my dog) Link. My car is paid off. I have no student loans. I make a very generous amount of money. I love my job. I have a very good support system.

I have an awful lot to be grateful for. I need to remind myself of these things more often.

When you grow up in a perpetual state of survival mode, it's hard to recognize safety. I find that I am often in a subconscious state of alertness and defense.

I'm working on that with my therapist currently. I'm trying to train my brain to be comfortable in my stability and safety.

Also, I am completely sober. I have learned that alcohol (I don't participate in anything else) can exacerbate mood swings for folks with bipolar. Plus, my parents were/are both addicts. I have always had problems with moderation.

I've been completely sober for months now. It's... Lovely to be able to enjoy events, and really just life in general, without drinking. Concerts are so much better. I feel more in control of myself. I no longer feel the need for a little liquid courage or social lubricant. I can do all of those things on my own without the "help" of alcohol.

I'm so fucking proud of myself for getting here.

Another thing that I have been doing, as a part of my recovery process, is claiming my closure. I have sent texts to pertinent people that have hurt me deeply and contributed to my episode being so awful and traumatic.

Recently, I sent one to my ex best friend.

It's still hard for me to talk about what she and her wife and her sister did to me. They were like family to me and they abandoned me when I needed them the most. It was awful. I've spent so much time recovering from that. I cried for months after they did this. Sometimes, I still cry. It's been two years and the scar... Sometimes it still feels like an open wound still.

Maybe I'll be ready to talk about what she did to me at some point, but I can't right now.

I sent her, her sister, and her wife a text detailing how much they had hurt me. I also detailed how much I have recovered from my episode and how great my life is now, despite what they had done to me.

I also recognize that I will grieve them for the rest of my life, just like I do with my mom.

At first, I felt good. It felt like a long-awaited exhale.

Then, I got curious.

I looked her up on social media.

I shouldn't have done that.

She had this very toxic friend who was awful to me. Well, then she was awful to my former best friend too and then she cut her out of her life.

My former friend... She's always had a habit of running to someone for validation instead of taking accountability when she does something pretty objectively bad. Well, who better to go to than someone who already hates me?

Yeah.

This girl was a fucking bridesmaid in her wedding.

God, it made me so angry.

Then, I see that she has her tumblr in her Instagram bio.

I click on it.

There's a post about me. It was posted immediately after I cut her off.

I shouldn't be surprised that she was avoiding accountability.

She talked about staying true to her boundaries and her truth. She talked about only feeling her own emotions. She talked about grieving someone (me) while they are still alive.

I should've never even looked her up.

I had to call off of work today because I spent all night sobbing. I couldn't stop. Everything came back to me. The rage. The devastation. The betrayal. The grief.

Why did she do this to me?

Before I go on, I want to specify something. Someone can have good intentions and still do the wrong thing. Intention is not the same as impact.

I could've forgiven her if she had just taken accountability. We could've gotten past it.

... But we didn't.

She stood ten toes down on justifying her actions. It destroyed me.

That's just not compatible with me.

She's probably out in the world, still not taking accountability, and probably laughed at my text with her wife and sister and new best friend.

What I said didn't matter. They will never understand or recognize how much they hurt me.

I know that I will be okay again. I know that I will get there. I know that grief is a thing that you always carry with you. I know that it ebbs and flows like an endless tide.

I suppose, in a way, this helps with the closure.

Now I know for sure that my voice and perspective will always fall on deaf ears when it comes to them.

They're probably some of the people that think I'm schizophrenic and defective and dangerous.

I know that I'll be okay with that in time, but it hurts right now.

It's also important to recognize how far I've come in my recovery process. Despite what they put me through, I found a way to rebuild my life. I found a way to get the help and advocacy that I've been needing. I am so loved and have an excellent support system.

Just because they aren't a part of it anymore... That doesn't make it any less valid.

I think that that's all that I have to say right now. At this moment in time, I'm just numb. I'm going to spend this coming weekend resting and leaning on my loved ones. Lately, I've been working myself into the ground (partly because I genuinely love my job, but also partly because I gotta make them fat stacks, you know what I'm sayin'?).

Anyways, thanks for reading if you've gotten this far. I know that I don't have many people that read my posts, but I am so grateful for anyone who reads my rambling nonsense and poems.

Seriously, you mean the world to me doggy bone <3

Catch you next time :)