RAINN

Hey everyone. I hope that you're well.

This blog post will include some heavy topics, so please bear with me.

Through vigorous rounds and sessions of therapy, I have finally dissected my episode of psychosis.

I know what brought me here.

In the interest of free speech, I would like to describe the event to you.

When I was younger, I was going through a domestic violence case. My ex boyfriend had assaulted me physically in front of all of my friends. He was arrested. This is how I learned how cruel the justice system is. I had to incessantly remind the police department that I needed a restraining order. I was so afraid of him. I had to constantly have my friends remind me of what actually happened because my trauma response is to gaslight myself and downplay it.

I had just started nursing school and I was fresh into navigating the nonsense that is domestic violence justice.

One night, I went to the bar with my friends. I invited someone that I hadn't hung out with in years to come with us.

Later on that night, after everyone had went to sleep, I ended up outside with him. I was intoxicated and it's difficult for me to remember much else.

When I was sober enough to realize what was happening to me, I was being assaulted in his car. I was in a parking lot away from my house. Nobody knew where I was.

I felt the need to continue sexual contact because he alone dictated whether I made it home or not.

Either he was sober or he was driving under the influence, but I told nobody about this event. I was ashamed.

It has taken me until very recently to realize this. It often takes me many years to realize abuse. I was going through so much. I did not have the bandwidth to recognize what was happening to me at the time.

He said that we were friends first. He said that he would keep me safe. He knew what I was going through.

It's so interesting because, when I was in psychosis, I thought that he was writing poems to me. I wanted so badly for him to be sorry. I wanted to forgive him. I wanted to believe that, deep down, he was still good. I didn't want to be wrong about that.

I feel sick.

I feel violated.

I have nightmares. I had to go up on all of my medications. I am up to two sessions of therapy a week. I call RAINN at least once a day. I cry at work. I cry myself to sleep. I wake up crying from my nightmares.

I have discussed this with RAINN many times and I am working on building my case to report him, but I honestly do not know if I want to go through with it or not. I am working on articulating myself in the event that I decide to. I have witness statements. I can prove that I had been drinking that night. I can prove that he had admitted to sexual contact that evening.

I do have a pretty solid case, but I am unsure if I want to move forward. This has caused me so much stress and trauma already. I want to report it so that there is a record of what he did to me. I want him to be so scared and weary of harming anyone else that he doesn't. I want there to be a paper trail if he has other victims.

I just don't know if I can do it. I am so afraid of him. He weaponized my mental health crisis for thousands of people to enjoy and then pretended to be my friend. What if I do report him and he comes to hurt me? I am so scared of what he might do. I don’t feel safe. I feel so disgusting. I feel worthless and helpless.

I know what it's like for the justice system to be completely indifferent to very obvious and egregious abuse. I don't know if I can subject myself to that again.

I tried to offer him the opportunity to apologize, but of course he did not take it. Instead, he went on a podcast and actively made fun of my mental health crisis. That podcast episode has 75k streams as of today. To think, while I was losing my mind and desperately trying to find a sliver of an apology, he was publicly mocking my episode on the internet.

He admits to a lot in that episode. It's good for my case, should I pursue it.

It's just humiliating.

He watched my episode the entire time. I wonder how amusing it was for him. I wonder if any of it was worth it to him. He joked that he should've wrote poems back to me. Like... A rap battle. I didn't know that he saw my entire episode. I didn't know that it was amusing for him. I didn't know that he used the worst period of my life for a few minutes of internet attention. Is he really so pathetic that my crisis was the most interesting thing to have happened to him? He couldn't go on that podcast to talk about something else?

He even says that he knew that I was sick. He knew that and he called attention to it anyway. I had to find out because mutual friends listen to that podcast. He said his name. He said when he did this to me. He said the city that he lives in. He said what he looks like. People instantly knew that he was talking about me.

I know that he isn't sorry. He isn't sorry for that and he isn't sorry for assaulting me. He probably reads this blog and derives some sort of entertainment from it. Maybe he enjoys my pain and misery. Maybe it feeds his ego to know that so much of my time is spent surviving him. Maybe he's looking for more of me to steal and break. He knows how humiliated and ostracized I felt because of my episode. He knew what he did.

I've been breaking since I met him.

I have never been so hurt by someone in my life.

To think, I was the one apologizing to him for my episode. He couldn't even apologize to me for... Anything. I didn't even know about the podcast until two days ago, by the way. He had every opportunity to get it taken down. He had every opportunity to come clean to me about it.

He did not. Who knows what else he's done?

His vanity will always take precedent.

He... He called me a stalker. In my episode, I never would've done anything to approach him or hurt him in any way. Even when I was sick and when I thought that he was trying to kill me, I still tried to see the humanity in him. I still thought that he could be redeemed. I tried to kill myself twice because of all of this. When will it stop? How could he do this to me?

I thought that he was a good person. I thought that he was my friend.

What a tremendous fool I was.

I don't know how to cope with it.

I guess I'll talk to RAINN about it today when I call them.

If you are struggling, then you can too. They are exceptional advocates and they are available at any time. You can even text them if you are unable to call.

Here is their website for more information:

https://rainn.org/

You can chat with them at the link above or you can text "HOPE" to 64673

They are also available to call at: (800) 656-4673

If you have ever been a victim, I stand with you. I believe you. I see you. You are not alone and what happened to you is not your fault.

You are loved and supported. Your experiences are valid.

We are not what happened to us. We are survivors. We are strong.

I'll try to remember that, too.

Love you <3

Talk soon.