I Skipped Therapy

So, I’m an anxiously avoidant person. When I get overwhelmed or feel threatened in any way, my instinct is to run away to safety. I isolate.

I retreat inside myself.

In light of recent events and freshly-realized trauma, I have been trying my hardest to keep the shame at bay.

I fear that it won yesterday. I woke up in the morning an hour before my scheduled therapy session.

I stayed in bed and just.. watched the time inch closer and closer to the top of the hour, and with it, my appointment. It crept closer, came, and went.

I felt such relief that I didn’t have to subject myself into analyzing my feelings or talking about my traumatic experiences. It feels like, well, I had already lived these things once. I don’t want to live them again. I don’t want to be reminded of what I had to survive.

I need to fight this.

This mentality is what caused psychosis for me. I stuff down these traumatic experiences in lieu of processing them. My body, however, keeps score.

I hope that I can be better about this soon. Everything feels like such a fight.